Friday, October 16, 2009

Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails, No Thanks, I'd Rather have Boobs.

Although it may explain a lot about me and my strange antics, it might surprise a great many people that from a very young age I always thought it would have been so much more appropriate should I have been a guy.

I now graciously embrace my gender as a female, after the curves formed and the awkward teenage years have ended, but I still reminisce fondly on the things I missed out on by not being a boy.

In such a blunt format, that is a freakishly odd remark, this I know. Allow me to more sufficiently explain.....

Better to be a boy reason #1:

My brother never had to wear embarrassingly poofy pink dresses.

As a young child, I often looked lamentingly at my brother on Sunday mornings, dressed in his relaxed fit khakis, collared shirt, and dress shoes. It took immense control to refrain from growling from beneath my foofy, poofy lacey dresses that made me look like an overstuffed babydoll as all the old ladies pinched my cheeks and 'oooh'ed and 'aaaaah'ed.

Better to be a boy reason #2:

Boys got all the cool toys.

I have always wondered what screwed-up idiot thought it would be an entertaining invention to create a humanesque shape out of plastic that once you shoved water down their gullett you were rewarded with the necessary task of having to change a wet diaper.

While my Baby Betty was pretend-urinating in my bed, my brother was feeding his gecko real live crickets. Need I say more.

Better to be a boy reason #3:

Shirts are optional.

Who can deny that it always seemed just so unfair that even before the introduction of female-parts, it was just inappropriate to see a little girl without a shirt?

I'm not implying that such requirements are not important, I'm just saying it pissed me off that my brother's 'wardrobe' could be comprised of a single pair of shorts and if he spilled chocolate ice cream, it wiped right off his tanned little chest.

Better to be a boy reason #4:

Temperment expected.

Anyone who was a little more rambunctious than a crocodile as a child remembers the incessant glares from mommy as you bounced from chair to table to couch because the floor was 'lava'.

The only thing was, boys apparently were blessed with the stereotype that energy is just part of their genetic makeup and thereby acceptable.

Girls, however, were expected to be quieter. And go play with the doll that peed on stuff.

Better than a boy reason #5:

One word: Tangles.

There wasn't enough "No More Tears" in the world to make me a happy camper. Whose brilliant idea was it to decide that little girls couldn't have buzz cuts????

Oh, the joy of being a stupid girl, right?

All of these things not-withstanding, at the ripe age of 26 I'm now okay with being a woman.

Because as it turns out, my husband considers himself a lucky man that he married a woman that never complains about the newest action movie, never turns down a shot of whiskey, and would gladly leave the laundry for tomorrow and play a friendly game of poker with a cigar in hand.
I love wrestling, and beer, and heavy metal music, and staying out late in dive bars kicking ass playing pool.

And I get to do all of that, and have boobs too.

So I will gladly accept my gender.
Even though I'm still a little sore about the fact I can't pee standing up, I guess in the big picture of life we can't have everything we want, can we.


Little Ms Blogger said...

You forgot the really cool race car tracks and there never seems to be a line to the men's room (and how easy would it be to pee standing up)....

Karen said...

OH, I could have gone on for days. How about how easy it is to be a guy? Shower, get dressed, brush teeth, ready.
Girls? Shower, shave, pluck, get dressed, makeup, mascara, dry hair, change clothes for the first time, curl/straighten hair, change clothes again, find dirty dishes in sink, clean entire kitchen, change wet clothes, contemplate second shower, brush teeth, now ready.

It's exhausting being a female.:)

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