Thursday, October 15, 2009

No, I'm not a Vampire but Garlic can be a Weapon Anyway.

I'm convinced I'm genetically incomplete sometimes.

To the naked eye I appear perfectly normal, I speak normal (part of the time) and I posess all my appendages as you would assume, all attached in the proper places that biology would confirm to provide me with a proper human anatomy.

But I am irrefutably and unconditionally missing some sort of 'graceful gene'.

I have to be. There is just no way that any normal human is meant to be this unnaturally clumsy.

Oh pish posh, you say.

Really? Cos a perfect example of how unfortunately and embarrassingly talented I am at finding ways to injure myself occurred while I was preparing dinner last night.

I hurt myself on a clove of garlic. Yes. Garlic. No. I am not a vampire.
But really, I'm not kidding, I somehow managed to bend my thumbnail all the way back, ripping the skin beneath it.

That's only one of the things I did yesterday.

I have a friend (amazing, right? ha.) who never ceases to find joy in revealing my little discrepancies in grace. I am, in his words, "the most talented person I know. For, how many people in this world are capable of spilling coffee on their face???"

Me. Yup. I'm that damn fantastic.

Sometimes, while walking, I trip over things that are not there. Yes, I have been walking long, and no, it's not the first day in my new feet.

I once, much to my family's amusement, actually sprained my wrist while boiling pasta.
I consequently wore a wrist brace for weeks.
I count myself pretty lucky, simply because I managed not to drop the boiling water on my feet after my wrist popped in a way I'm quite sure they are not meant to. Crisis averted......sort of.

I know.
I'm downright agility challenged.

All in all, I probably cause myself pain at least once a day.
For years I thought it was common practice. Imagine my shock on discovering that people actually are typically capable of climbing stairs without missing a step and tumbling down four steps before righting themself.

I guess, depending on how I spin it, anything can sound like a good thing. So aside from the unfortunate self-induced pain I endure on occasion, what I have learned by being genetically incomplete is this:

If you hang out with me?

I will make you look like a freakin ballerina in comparison.

Just don't give me the garlic, please.


Gabby said...

I am not that graceful either...for example I pretty much have given up wearing white shirts. And I can maybe see how a clove of garlic could injure you...ouch!

(I am loving your writing, by the way!)

Da Goof said...

Too funny.
You and my wife should never be near each other, a vortex of disaster could open spilling slapstick mayhem all around.

Mike Steelman said...

Not that I injured anything more than my pride, but to make you feel better and for you to realize yo are not alone, I managed some weeks back to spill my beer on my own head in a club.

Shay said...

You are hysterical and i love you. ;)
I'm about as graceful as a blind ferret myself. But i can proudly say i've never sprained my wrist making pasta. :)
Love your writing style, keep it up!

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